Driving home from work, I see the dark gray clouds behind the mountains to the East. In between are puffs of cotton-like clouds leading the way as if smearing the sky in calm shades of dusk. Leather hillsides glow with the final kiss of the sun as it passes below the western horizon. These are perfect conditions to get lost in deeper thoughts.
I became who I am today at the age of 32, at 2 am in the spring of 2013. That night, as many nights in the past, the girls and I were having a princess party, but, this one had a prince twist. We were so happy. We had nothing but time together, Angela, the girls, Leo, and I.
That was the last time I saw my little boy awake.
A few short hours later, my perfect facade of a world was changed forever. This was my defining and pivotal event in life. I have played that night over in my head about a million times over the past 20 months. Did I fail as a father that night? Could I have done something differently? Do I even have control, over anything?
The Zach of 2012 was striving to be a better person, both mentally and physically. I was on cloud 9 with the way my life was going. Those were very happy times, living at the condo with my “complete” family.
I was on the HOA Board and I thought that kind of thing mattered. I was on different committees at work and in the community, I assumed that made me important. I thought having a college degree meant I was successful.
How wrong I was.
While those things are important milestones, they define you as a person. I am amazed that I ever thought anything was more important than my relationship with God, my family and myself.
These past 20 months have been life altering. I have learned so much about life, feelings, relationships, and what makes people tick.
My boy has ushered in so many realizations into my world. Now, I have this precious gift in Baby Zoe. She looks SO MUCH LIKE LEO!!!
I think there is some healing in this. I never got to hold my boy for the last time. I never got to look into his eyes and tell him I love him. But with Zoe, with Zoe I kind of get to put those feelings somewhere.
Thank you my sweet baby girl for helping your father have a little bit of closure (at least on some things).