I wrote this almost a month ago. Not sure why I didn’t post it? I guess I just never felt like it was finished.
As perfect a sunny San Diego day can be, we remembered our son Leo with family and friends at La Vista on Saturday. Angela, the girls, and I had been battling a series of colds. This one lead to some nasty chest congestion that has lasted for over 3 weeks now. I seemto be getting the worst of it.
By the time Saturday reared its ugly face, my voice was all but gone because of violent fits of coughing. I have noticed that for me, one side effect to losing a child is my immune system has all but abandoned me. Contrary to most of my life, I seem to catch every little bug or virus that comes my way.
Arriving at the cemetery, I reflected on how we felt this time last year. I remember still being in a state of shock at what had happened the year before. Our grief was in its infancy, I had no preconceived notions about how that day a year ago would go. It turned out to be a day of love and rememberance for my son.
This year has felt very different, it has felt sad and lonely.
Leading up to the 11th, I questioned every thought and feeling I had. What if no one came? Am I bugging people when I still talk about Leo? Why does it seems that some people just want to sweep the idea of death under the rug.? I know life has moved forward for everyone, even for us, but it makes me happy to talk about my son and SIDS research.
Is it ok for me to be happy again?
All of these questions came from a place of fear. And they began to take hold of my heart. I felt distorted and stretched thin, like a piece of chewing gum.
On the 11th I was reminded that we are surrounded by love, so much love! Yet, I still feel so alone. I feel so sad and afraid. But most of all, I feel tremendous anger. I still ask, why us? Why our son?
This year we experienced the birth of our 4th child, Zoe. She is so cute and precious. I love her with the same intensity as I love my other children. She isn’t Leo and she isn’t meant to replace or even heal the hole in my heart left by the loss of my son. Every child is a precious gift from God. One is waiting in Heaven like a Christmas present under the tree. I can’t wait to meet you again in Haeven Baby Boy.
I love you with all my heart, son.