So in 2009, the plan was to have 2 kids. A boy, than a girl. Maybe 3 if we felt like pushing the envelope a little. Angela is a few months pregnant when we went in for the 4-D Ultrasound. We were excited to find out the gender of the baby… a girl.
Wait, it was supposed to be a boy?
This was not part of the plan. “Universe, you are kinda messing up our plan. It was supposed to be a boy first, then a girl. Come on Universe, get with the program.” I had a plan, but the Universe obviously was not responding to my good vibes.
Anyways, when Alyssa was born, a rush of feelings overcame me and I was actually brought to tears. I can clearly remember thinking “there has got to be a God, and it has to be a good God.” She was so tiny, so beautiful, so precious. I was more happy and scared than I’d ever been in my whole life. Wow! I’m actually ok with this.
Over the next year we were on top of the moon. We showed off our little Gerber baby wherever we went. We were happy, overbearing, 1st time parents. We made people wash their hands before they touched her, no sickness around our little baby girl. We were in control. We had read the books and felt as though we were experts on having a newborn baby. Everything she did was so perfect and original (to us). For the first year of Alyssa’s life everything seemed perfect. She had colic, but ultimately she just did cute little baby things.
After a year we decided Alyssa needed a friend, a little brother. So we went about trying for child number 2. When the positive result shown on the pregnancy test I felt really anxious.
“Universe, this had better be a boy.” When the time came for the 4-D ultrasound, we invited close family. We were ready to hear the news about our new son. Our plan was working out perfectly… Or was it?
“It’s a girl!!!” My heart just about sank into my stomach. I was shocked. I was mad. I was sad. I could only think, well, I guess we are gonna have to have a third. It took me a while to get excited about having another girl. I guess they can play dress up together or something?
This was also about the time I realized that I needed help with my outlook on life. I began attending a stress management class at Kaiser. We had a home, good jobs, a baby girl, and another on the way. So why am I so sad? Why have I seemed to develop OCD? Why do I eat and drink to much?
In short, I lived my life by other peoples standards. I was scared of not being perfect, so I sometimes failed on purpose. The idea was “if I’m going to fail, well then I’m going to fail on my own terms.” I was going to be in control of my own failures. Life was still not allowed to be messy on the surface.
Lily was born in June 2011. She was smaller than Alyssa and she had dark hair. I had just recently began to really look into reading the Bible. Earlier that year, some friends and I had gone to watch Spring Training in Arizona. I was prompted to actually read the book before I condemned Christianity.
Lily was so much calmer than Alyssa. I didn’t think there was enough room in my heart to love another child, but the heart works mysteriously. We were kinda happier and kinda more full of life with both girls around. But at the end of the day, we still had plans and a need for them to happen. I just wasn’t expecting quite so much perfection anymore.