My Other Kids

As I have progressed through this year, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what could have been. I have spent a lot of time thinking about basic essentials of life. I’m doing well if I’m breathing. Angela and the kids are doing well if they wake up in the morning and are getting fed. Life had hid a major emotional wall.

In the process we took in Angela’s sister in order to get her back on track with school. Our old life was falling away. Our new post-Leo life was building.

My daughters were so awesome during this past year of grieving. It really started with the passing of my good friend. Then the life and death of Leo. All the love and sadness so many friends and good people. Soon, Angela’s father passed away and we witnessed Angela’s family crumble. Then we took in Angela’s sister, sold our condo, and moved in with my parents. Angela changed jobs. My grandmother went through a life changing surgery and ended up having to move in with my family as well. We saw close family show their true colors and blow up at us for silly things. I didn’t treat my body right and hit rock bottom, emotionally. I went to a therapist and started a small group. Then, Angela’s sister abruptly left us, and we found out about a little family shadyness. We went to La Vista all the time and spent a ton of time with Leo. We ended up participating
and winning a Dia De Los Muertos alter contest. We waited and waited for a bench for Angela’s dad so that we could put the majority of his ashes to rest (we are still waiting). Because of this, we got a beautiful bench for Leo and the babies for super cheap. Angela was even able to become pregnant again!!!

All the while, there are these 2 little girls who are patiently waiting and loving on their parents…

Aly and Lily are 2 beautiful girls, so smart, and full of life. They are kind, and grateful, and just awesome. They have been able to progress through this year gracefully.

They are a blessing. They are why I’m still breathing. They teach me new things everyday.

God is good to give us these sweet peas.

Thank you Jesus!

Preoccupied

I want to immerse my entire self into my grieving, but life keeps getting in the way.

My mind keeps getting caught up in other things. I need quiet and space to be able to really get my mind around such a delicate topic as my sons death.

This morning I had a moment to just be alone and breath. It was nice.

I realized Leo died doing what he loved. Sleeping in bed :). That was a happy realization.

Having those moments are so precious. I need more time to reflect and think without the distractions of silly extended family members, who are shady and full of hate.

I pray for them. They are in Gods hands. I can’t wait to see God change their lives for the better. Soon I hope.

God Loves Everyone?

It is really hard to believe that God loves everyone. As a matter of fact, you may say that it is a Grand Canyon sized leap of faith to believe God can forgive EVERYONE. I struggle with forgiveness. I hold grudges. I can’t stop thinking of those injustices put upon me by others. I wallow in it, like being in a car that’s stuck in the mud.

They are in big need of Jesus’s love and guidance. They are hurting so bad that they are willing to break up families and friends to feel better.

Unfortunately, I too have been that guy who is negative, bitter, and unfriendly. These are not my finer moments, the actions I want to be remembered for.

No one is perfect. Most if not all people have unresolved issues. Some are dealing with grief. The sadness and mind numbing loss of someone important to them. We all need to be empathetic to the fact that someone’s loss is extremely important to THEM.

Several people feel stuck in Limbo, life gets real, gets thick, gets rocky when you lose someone. I didn’t understand this until it happened to me. I notice that these same feelings are prevalent in others…

My prayer today is that we as a society learn to care for those around us as much as we care about ourselves.

Ka-Pow

Ok? How do you deal with losing a family member that was important to you when they didn’t die, they just went off the deep end. I really don’t know how to feel when someone you know and care for seems to be delusional about life events that have transpired and you both were witness to the events.

Tonight, as I deal with so many important things, the enemy threw an extra wrench in the gears of my life.

God will prevail. Events will be set straight.

Wow? Talk about no respect, compassion, or gratitude.

One year after coming home

One year ago today, Angela and I brought Leo home to start our new life with our family of five! We were in awe of our 3 kids and totally excited to see how life with Leo (the boy) would be. Alyssa and Lily loved their brother. We were one big happy family. Life felt complete.

I look back on those days and smile. The craziness of kids is fantastic and pure. Now, I feel sad and angry. I feel let down. It’s probably hard to be around us because we have experienced something absolutely horrific.

About

cropped-image11.jpgWelcome and thank you for visiting my blog. Β In April of 2013 my wife and I lost our son to SIDS. I decided to write about my feelings and experiences to share with you all because dealing with this alone would be crazy. Here you will read my raw, uncut honest thoughts. I hope that in some way my journey can help someone else as they deal with tragedy.

At about 2 am on Wednesday, April 11, 2013 our world was shattered by the sudden passing of our 3 1/2 week old son, Leo.

This blog is my way of remembering our baby son and how I am doing trying to moved forward. I will always love you, Baby Leo.

Love, dad

My Fear of…

Before I post this:

I want to state that I know this thinking is probably irrational and I’m sure that it’s not completely accurate.

However, this site is a place for me to be honest so that I. An get through my own grief.

That said, I have never and will never use names in a negative way, but I’m assuming these few people know who they are anyway.

I remembered more from my horrible dream last night. In it, some family members that have been less than supportive said “Zach, you are a jerk, we don’t care how you feel, you didn’t make the loss of your son about us, and we don’t want to hear about him anymore.”

Some people can’t handle other people’s grief. I would assume that it is because they have never dealt with their own. This was a dream, but it’s how I feel, unfortunately.

Nightmare

Last night I had a dream that we lost another baby. It was so vivid and horrible. The specifics are fuzzy but I think one of our girls found the baby lifeless in the crib.

I have thought for a long time “at least our girls never got to see their brother Leo’s dead body.” It would have broken my heart if my daughters had to go through life with the trauma of actually finding Leo. My mind often goes back to that horrible evening on April 11th. I relive that nightmare in my mind everyday… I long ago have stopped questioning, what I may not have noticed, were there any warning signs?

I will admit that I am scared of our next child passing away. I have heard that it is highly unlikely. Yet, my dreams don’t seem to care about that logic.

March 16, 2014

I have been dreading this day. One year ago today, I met my son for the first time. Our third child, my first son. He was so quiet compared to his sisters. I remember the girls cried from the start. Leo however, just lay there. I was scared because he was born with the umbilical chard wrapped around his neck 3 times. I didn’t know at the time that God had actually given us a much more special gift then we thought. Many parents go through having a miscarriage or a stillborn, we were given the gift of 26 days with our son. They were 26 jam packed days too. As Angela and I look back on those 26 days, I’m sure that we will discover and realize memories that we had not thought about in great depth before.

Today we are at disneyland. Although Leo never visited Disneyland, it has become one of the most special and magical places for us. It’s a place of healing. Its a place where there are enough smiles to help heal my heart.

Today is also Angela’s birthday. I love her with all my heart. She has been there for me for over 11 years. I am so happy to get to go through the rest of my life with someone so smart and beautiful.

Let the 26 days begin. We will get through this. Leo is in a better place. Jesus, we really need you!

11:26pm… Happy birthday son.

One More Day…

Tomorrow would have been my son Leo’s 1st birthday. Today we would probably have had his 1st birthday party. Angela said that it probably would have been a leprechaun party:)

The week before he was born i received a phone call from Angela saying she thought she was going into labor. It was a Friday and I was at work. I know this because I had to tell Debra I needed to leave while she was passing out 3rd quarter awards up on stage.

After being told it was false labor, we went back home to get Angela comfortable. We were sure Leo would be born any day.

When I was a kid, I was watching an episode of “perfect strangers” about Larry’s wife trying to induce pregnancy. They said sometimes women go into labor when they are at high altitudes. Balky decided to trick them into going in a hot air balloon. It worked, she had her baby in the basket way up in the air. oops!

Well, I decided to try the same thing, so I drove Angela up and down every hill I could think of to try and get her to have that baby. I’ll never forget
Going from Dictionary Hill, to mt helix, to mt Soledad. She felt car sick, but no labor. πŸ™‚

I really wanted her to give birth on Pi Day (3.14 = 3/14), because then we could always celebrate with Pie. Someone once told me, “you give cake to those you like, but you give pie to those you LOVE.” I really love that quote because I love pie πŸ˜‰

When that didn’t happen, I began banking on St Patrick’s Day. (For obvious reasons).