Being born

I can still remember the day Leo was born. It was his mommy’s birthday. We were thinking that this might not be the day because Angela had had false labor 3 times previous to that. I had become so good at driving to the hospital from all of the previous false alarms. Still my heart raced as I thought about my boy being born.

When we arrived at the hospital I tried to get Angela a wheel chair but the hospital locks them up and makes you pay a quarter to use one. I didn’t have any money so we were out of luck.

Angela ended up walking like a duck to the elevator. We were only at the hospital for three hours before Baby Leo was born. When I first saw him he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. The doctors aid it was no big deal but I thought he looked a little discolored. I often feel like I had three extra weeks to get to know Leo before he passed. Those were 3 weeks that God have us.

Pneumatikos

Today’s message at Journey was so powerful. Over the past two weeks I think Angela and I have been living in God’s wind or pneumatikos. Everything has had meaning lately. I feel like God has set us up to be able to deal with our sons passing through so many ways. From getting my head straight through counseling and support groups to making relationships that have helped us. God has brought us closer to other people and closer to him. God continues to show us that Baby Leo is doing well and happy in heaven. Angela and I now know that we are meant to do more with our lives. Maybe supporting other people as they go through the same tragic events as us. I pray that God leads us to a place of healing where we can not only heal ourselves but help others. I hope that through Leo we can become more caring and kinder towards others.

Appreciating the cream

All my life I have lived in the cream of life and I always felt like something was wrong or missing. The past two weeks have been real…more real than I have ever experienced. I feel like my son’s death was like the shake of life that really allows you to appreciate the cream. Before, I was always creating drama or living in drama, which was like a watered down milkshake. It wasn’t real. I now have experienced real life and it scared the hell out of me. However, I also know now that the cream of life will be taste that much sweeter. I love and miss you my son. Another of the many lessons you taught me during your short life.

My Baby Boy

It has been a little over 2 weeks now since my baby son passed away. I am amazed at the resiliency I have seen in myself. I am sad and there are times where I am devastated, but I know my son is in a much better place. My boy is in heaven with Jesus and several family members who have passed. I know they are all looking down loving and protecting my family.

Uhhh?

Words cannot express the multitude of feelings I have had over the past few weeks. The best way to describe what I am going through is i have climbed a series of hills only to be pushed into deep valleys of sadness, anger, and shock.